friendships and self-worth.

The neurons aren’t firing well today after a big boozy weekend, so forgive me my ramblings. It was the kind of weekend that would usually have me wrapped up for days in a blanket of anxiety, guilt and embarrassment. I remember only scraps of time for a few certain hours between dinner and bedtime – “but what did I SAY?!” (ladylike, I know) – but hell if I’m not feeling inexplicably light, free, and secure. 

It hit me while I was sitting on my couch late at night with eight of the best people I know, watching something stupid on TV – trackpants on, makeup off. We’d spent the previous 5 and a half hours at a boutique spirits festival, and an hour or so at dinner with about a million plates of dumplings and too many bottles of red wine. It hit me that these people are my close friends. God that sounds ridiculous; I’ve been friends with some of these humans for close to ten years now… and it’s only just hit me that they are in my life to stay (this says everything about me, and nothing about them – I assure you). They have seen me at my worst, and still come visit me in my new hometown. They put up with my ridiculous drunken ramblings – screechings – every time we have one too many glasses of wine (or whiskeys, as the case was this weekend), and yet still want to do it all again the next time we’re together.

Adult friendships are so strange. There’s none of the security that seeing school friends every day offers. Less and less of the obligatory “stuff in common” conversations and more of the good, deep, to-the-bones chatter. Interspersed with plenty of shit talking and movie quotes. 

It says so much about my self-worth and self-confidence that I’ve not let myself feel like these people could actually want to spend time with me. And it’s honestly slightly shocking for me to realise this. It hurts my heart to realise this. 

But I have. And that speaks volumes about where I am right now. 

Look, anyway. It made me pretty damn happy, and wanted to share. Thanks, friends. You’re awesome. 


Unrelated gratitude:

1. Turkish tea dates.
2. Porter Robinson on a school night.
3. Selfies.
4. Coffee and pie before a film festival.
5. My favourite barista and her coffee buns. 

slices of weekends past.

colourful streets.

a rooftop garden.

brunch with the boy.

poached avocado.

surprise flowers at our Saturday morning post-run coffee-and-croissant stop.

Life is good.

coffee.

This morning I took myself out for a coffee.

Nothing fancy – I just pulled on my jacket, grabbed my sunglasses and wallet, and left my office, as I am sometimes wont to do.

The sun was shining beautifully this morning – the air is still cool (not yet Spring/Summer, but firmly planted in the Winter/Spring temperature range), though the sunshine warmed me down to my bones. At the cafe, I smiled with the baristas and flipped through my Instagram feed; feeling myself absorb the energy of the bustling little coffee shop. When my name was called, I grabbed my soy latte, smiled broadly, and headed back into the sunshine.

And then I realised that I couldn’t possibly go back to my office.

So I sat. By myself. In the sunshine. And I drank my coffee. My sweet, comforting, calming beverage. I took off my shoes and let my feet feel the timber decking beneath me. I hopped down onto the lawn nearby, and raked my toes through the grass; dug deep into a small patch of sand with my feet. The cool breeze blew my hair back, away from my face, so I closed my eyes and let it wash over me – not giving a damn how silly I looked to passersby – and I felt transported. Back to Malaysia, strangely enough. Back to America, maybe. Back to feelings of freedom and bliss.

And then I put on my shoes, gathered my things, and walked back to my office.

What a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing, but how incredibly important that tiny moment was. The weather has now changed back to grey, cold, and altogether uninviting. It was a pocket of springtime sunshine, which I’m so thankful to have submerged myself in so completely.


Now the tricky part: learn how to carry that energy though the rest of my day.

phoning it in.

Some beautiful things, as captured with my phone.

afternoon light.

warm enough for iced coffees!

excuse my dirty hippie feet – I’d been outside, planting a tree. no, really.

sometimes I just sit around and take photos/videos of him. he’s ridiculous.

Feeling especially grateful, lately. How are you enjoying the changing seasons?

grateful.

This was a moment of pure peace. I’d bounded out of bed 15 minutes earlier, been for a run, bathed, got dressed (and all the rest that goes along with getting ready for work), and still had time to sit and eat breakfast in the sunshine (as opposed to the usual eating-breakfast-in-the-bathroom-while-doing-my-hair routine). Breakfast was, in case you were wondering, homemade granola with banana and 5am organic yoghurt (my new favourite). Such a small change – getting up 15 minutes earlier – but so very worth it in the end. 

I’ve been so grateful for moments of quiet like these lately, and seeking them out – sitting in my favourite armchair while reading old (inspiring) magazines, instead of numbing myself with bad TV after work; taking 10 minutes away from my desk to drink coffee outside; really revelling in shavasana – and it has done wonders for my headspace.

Thank you.

quiet.

What I wouldn’t give for a few hours of “nothing”. Nothing but staring at the sea – pottering around my home – hours in the kitchen. Not multi-tasking. Not worrying. Not planning for the next damn thing.

I love my life. I love my partner, my friends, my family. I’m happy in my job and engaged with my degree. I’m feeling enriched with the volunteer program I’m involved in. I have travel plans, and I’m happy with my finances. I’m just so damned tired. I want a day to sit on my butt all day. Bake a pie, maybe. Read a book. Drink some wine and cook a huge feast. Without the guilt or the rush or the racing thoughts.

Look, if that’s the worst thing that I’ve got to say about today, I’m pretty damn lucky.

That’s all. Thought I’d pop in.
Hope you’re well.

today.

My head is full of words today, and I haven’t shared in ages, and these photos are not glamorous or well-edited, and my blog still has a terrible layout, and I’m not sure where this post is going to end up or just what I’m going to say, but I know it needs to be said. So I’ll start with today.

Today I’m grateful. I’m overflowing with the good stuff. I’m grateful for the tawny frogmouths I see on my walk from the car to my office, every single morning. I love staring up at the beautiful, big gum trees lining my path and searching for them; without a care for my odd appearance. I’m grateful for big boxes of organic fruits and vegetables; the look of them, the smell, the excitement I feel upon getting home – exhausted, lately – to a big box of goodies, and the meals we make with our produce (Moroccan pumpkin rice with hummus and chilli-sauteed greens, anyone?)… especially I love the little snail that had found his way onto our box last night (I have a soft spot for snails – I popped him back in the garden outside before recycling the cardboard). I’m grateful for friends who make me feel excited and understood – with whom hanging out is NOT a cause for anxiety. I’m grateful for mid-week dinners with such friends; Thai food and good wine and laughing until my face aches and my stomach burns (it must be said – I haven’t laughed that hard in such a long time, and it felt damn good). I’m grateful for the music shared between friends.

fresh, local, organic, delivered.

I’m grateful for friends who make the trip from our hometown to visit us for a weekend. I’m grateful for farmers markets. I’m so grateful that these friends are satisfied with a night of movie watching in front of the TV (not a night out on the town), and that they don’t judge me when I fall asleep on the floor. You make me feel known and understood and accepted. I’m grateful that my Rufus has found a job which makes him happy to get up in the mornings. Where he fits in. Where he sees potential and growth and positivity. That he gets home at night and can’t stop talking. (Maybe just a little bit, I’m also grateful for the freebies he gets; especially tickets to film festivals).

I’m grateful for the leftovers in the fridge, waiting for me to eat them for lunch – chickpea patties, brussels sprouts and carrots cooked in butter, and crackers with avocado spread on top. I’m grateful for a brain that moves quickly. Today, I’m grateful for the sunshine.

alone.

Rufus works late often these days. Most of the time I hate it – I cherish our couch-time together! – but sometimes, just secretly, I like it. I’ve always been a fan of alone time (I’m an introvert – I feel energized in quiet, lonely situations), and it gives me the perfect excuse to turn on my music, light some candles, sip red wine, and slowly cook dinner. The perfect autumnal evening.

Introverts forever!

(Soup based on this recipe, though I substituted the pumpkin with sweet potato)

thankful.

I am thankful for my home, which keeps me grounded and safe. I’m thankful for Jango; my ever-bouncy baby bunny – he’ll be turning 1 soon – who makes me smile when I’m feeling my worst. I’m thankful for my clothing; for ever-so-slowly discovering my own personal style, which communicates so much of ourselves to the outside world. I’m thankful for coffee. I’m thankful for Rufus. I’m thankful for a healthy body. I’m thankful for family. I’m thankful for a growing circle of friends. I’m thankful for food – nourishing, wholesome, delicious food – and new favourite restaurants. I’m thankful for an upcoming holiday – and of course, the financial stability required for a mid-year holiday.
I’m thankful for my ring collection. I’m thankful for my hair. I’m thankful for my eye colour. I’m thankful for new BB cream. I’m thankful for a facewash that works. I’m thankful for my favourite sunglasses and my favourite diary and my favourite blouse. I’m thankful for discovering a brand new way to wear cardigans.

I’m thankful for these photos, because they remind me of an awesome weekend spent wandering by the sea, eating delicious food, holding hands, and acquiring wonderful art.

I need to see the sea again.

23.

Last weekend, I turned 23.

I wore my favourite pug jumper and my favourite skirt (which is sadly falling to pieces); we ate croissants and drank coffee and wandered through the suburbs in the autumn sunshine; we took a train into the city to see the Dreamworks exhibition at ACMI; we ate sushi (and took a photo to mirror the one in this post); I missed our families dearly; and last night – three days later – I made myself a birthday cake (recipe).

Twenty (20), twenty-one (21), twenty-two.