decide.

Making a big decision is hard. It pulls up emotions and feelings and thoughts long dormant. When making decisions, I like to pull wisdom from a Dear Sugar column:

I have that excerpt pinned to the corkboard next to my computer – select phrases highlighted for optimal impact. Before making a decision, I pull wisdom and advice and perspective from anywhere I can find it – whether that be advice columns, friends, family, introspection, or pretty pictures on Pinterest. It’s hard to make a decision…

But nobody really talks about the dark, quiet space after the decision is made. That time of pause; you haven’t made the jump, you’ve just decided in which direction you’ll leap. You could turn back! You won’t, but you could. That tiny sliver of space under the door of your plan – that doubt – can overwhelm.

I’m in that space. I’m in the dark, the quiet, the incredibly lonely. I could not feel more isolated, more confused, more overwhelmed by that tiny sliver of doubt. I’m in a place between excitement and crippling sadness… but not really embodied by either. I’m no longer on the edge of the cliff, nor am I safe on the other side… I’m flying through the air, screaming at the top of my lungs at some times and at others laughing with euphoria…

…just hoping to make it to the other side.

just a minute in april.

Eating: I’ve been eating a hell of a lot of potatoes lately… I’m fighting a cold so apparently my body wants carbs. As with all things, I believe in leaning in – listening to your body, and giving it what it wants. Potatoes it is!

Cooking: very simple dishes. Hodge-podge bowl foods.

Drinking: I’ve bought some more of my favourite Cleanse tea, so I’ve been enjoying that. Also, Rufus and I just signed up to the Naked Wines subscription service, so we’ve been drinking a bit of the ol’ Pinot Noir while friends have been visiting.

Learning: a lot about the Palm Oil industry for an assignment at uni. It’s depressing AF. Read your labels, guys.

Reading: currently reading Boneshaker by Cherie Priest, and really enjoying it thusfar.

Wanting: salt candle holders and some chakra candles. #hippiehibbie

Looking: at the inspiring blog Nutrition Stripped. It’s getting me all excited about my chosen field again! I’ve been a bit… blase about nutrition science lately (it’s so easy to get lost in the media shitstorm), but I’m feeling the passion return!

Listening: Rufus and I bought some pretty cool records on Record Store Day this weekend past! We’ve been listening to Witchcraft, but I’m looking forward to singing my little heart out to the Across The Universe soundtrack!

Wasting: a few minutes every morning, parking a little further away from my office to enjoy a walk in the brisk morning air. Guess that’s not really a waste…

Wishing: my Mum and Dad a happy 30th wedding anniversary!

Liking: the Headspace app. It’s not too hard to find 10 minutes to sit still in the evenings, and I’ve found it really helpful to my peace of mind. I just finished the Foundation course, and I’m moving on to the depression set. Speaking of depression…

Feeling: depressed. And that’s okay – these things go in cycles. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my short life, and I’ve learned to lean in to these periods, put my healthy habits in place, and ride the wave.

Watching: Caitlyn and I binge-watched You’re The Worst over the weekend, and I adored it! Also watching KUWTK (don’t judge me, I’m not even embarrassed), Ink Master, Face Off, and The Amazing Race. Clearly on a reality TV kick…

Needing: a new pair of black boots. Mine have holes in them. Also some black flats for work.

Smelling: my rosemary-mint Zum Mist room mist. Super invigorating, refreshing, and just plain pleasant.

Wearing: dresses. For some reason, summer has returned mid-autumn. While I’m loving the sunshine, I’m looking forward to gettin’ real cozy!

Noticing: birds. And happy dogs.

Grateful for: sunshine, good food, a supportive partner, bunny binkies.

Loving: life. Feeling super blissed-out after that depressive funk.

 

the bigger picture.

I’ve been feeling restless. Flighty. Impatient.

Rufus says he recognises these phases in me every so often… when I get comfortable, I feel as though I need a change. Things are going too well, too smoothly; I want a shake-up. I’ve been in my current job for two years now, and been studying at my current uni for the same amount of time. We’ve also lived in our home for two years, and are celebrating our 6-year anniversary in May (what?!).

I see people getting married and having babies, buying houses, completing PhDs… making progress. And I want to be there already – decorating a home I own, walking down that aisle, getting pregnant, adopting a dog, becoming a Dr! Sometimes it’s so easy to get swept up in everything that’s yet to come, I forget about how great my life is now.

I love my life! I love my friends and my family, my job and my degree, my home. I’m so incredibly lucky to be living the life I am – Rufus and I have the freedom to do what we like with our time and our money; we travel often, we eat at spectacular restaurants and have the ability to put our feet up on the couch for a little rest (and a couple of pizzas with a bottle of wine) whenever we need. We can take little getaways (like the girl’s trip I’m taking next weekend) or go to music festivals (like the one we’re attending this weekend), or plan midweek dumplings dates (like last night) to celebrate our five-year-nine-month-anniversary. We blast our turntable and make pancakes on lazy weekend mornings. We live a colourful, delicious, hilarious, love-filled life.

My life is beautiful, and I plan to dedicate more time to acknowledging those little things that add up to such an awesome existence, both here on my blog and on my Instagram. I’ll bet your life is pretty sweet sometimes, so if you’d like to play along, feel free to tag your photos with #lifessweetnothings for some little-things inspiration.

friendships and self-worth.

The neurons aren’t firing well today after a big boozy weekend, so forgive me my ramblings. It was the kind of weekend that would usually have me wrapped up for days in a blanket of anxiety, guilt and embarrassment. I remember only scraps of time for a few certain hours between dinner and bedtime – “but what did I SAY?!” (ladylike, I know) – but hell if I’m not feeling inexplicably light, free, and secure. 

It hit me while I was sitting on my couch late at night with eight of the best people I know, watching something stupid on TV – trackpants on, makeup off. We’d spent the previous 5 and a half hours at a boutique spirits festival, and an hour or so at dinner with about a million plates of dumplings and too many bottles of red wine. It hit me that these people are my close friends. God that sounds ridiculous; I’ve been friends with some of these humans for close to ten years now… and it’s only just hit me that they are in my life to stay (this says everything about me, and nothing about them – I assure you). They have seen me at my worst, and still come visit me in my new hometown. They put up with my ridiculous drunken ramblings – screechings – every time we have one too many glasses of wine (or whiskeys, as the case was this weekend), and yet still want to do it all again the next time we’re together.

Adult friendships are so strange. There’s none of the security that seeing school friends every day offers. Less and less of the obligatory “stuff in common” conversations and more of the good, deep, to-the-bones chatter. Interspersed with plenty of shit talking and movie quotes. 

It says so much about my self-worth and self-confidence that I’ve not let myself feel like these people could actually want to spend time with me. And it’s honestly slightly shocking for me to realise this. It hurts my heart to realise this. 

But I have. And that speaks volumes about where I am right now. 

Look, anyway. It made me pretty damn happy, and wanted to share. Thanks, friends. You’re awesome. 


Unrelated gratitude:

1. Turkish tea dates.
2. Porter Robinson on a school night.
3. Selfies.
4. Coffee and pie before a film festival.
5. My favourite barista and her coffee buns. 

grateful.

This was a moment of pure peace. I’d bounded out of bed 15 minutes earlier, been for a run, bathed, got dressed (and all the rest that goes along with getting ready for work), and still had time to sit and eat breakfast in the sunshine (as opposed to the usual eating-breakfast-in-the-bathroom-while-doing-my-hair routine). Breakfast was, in case you were wondering, homemade granola with banana and 5am organic yoghurt (my new favourite). Such a small change – getting up 15 minutes earlier – but so very worth it in the end. 

I’ve been so grateful for moments of quiet like these lately, and seeking them out – sitting in my favourite armchair while reading old (inspiring) magazines, instead of numbing myself with bad TV after work; taking 10 minutes away from my desk to drink coffee outside; really revelling in shavasana – and it has done wonders for my headspace.

Thank you.

just a minute in August.

Wearing: my new tattoo – with pride! (The meaning of the white tulip. Also; this. We were there! We were raising our white tulips!) Also, a lot of black and grey.

Following: I go through phases with blogs I follow. At present, I’m cruising through the pages of Kylie Turley’s blog and pining for travel adventures.

Excited for: a trip to the Gold Coast with friends in October! We’ll be heading to the theme parks for Fright Night festivities on Halloween, and spending a few days on the beach in the sunshine drinking beers. This all happens after the completion of my exams. To say I’m excited would be an understatement!

Planning: trips overseas, tattoos, camping adventures.

Feeling: exhausted, satisfied, proud. I’m working full time and study 3 subjects per semester at Uni – life is full to the brim at the moment and although I’m happy as a lark, I’m so damn tired!

Wanting: travel, camping gear, and an Aeropress. Maybe also some new skirts, for when the weather gets nicer.

Grateful for: my adorable bunny, who has started giving actual hugs with his tiny little paws (it’s ridiculous). The brighter mornings, which make getting up at 6am for a run just a little bit easier. And the boxes of fresh produce we get delivered every fortnight – for introducing us to new fruits and vegetables, and encouraging us to eat seasonally and locally.

Watching: Ink Master, The Block, and Awkward. 

Reading: The Luminaries. I have this really bad habit of falling asleep while reading at present (and consequently dropping the book on my face), so it’s not moving along very quickly.

Drinking: coffee, mostly.

Listening: The Beginners Soundtrack, Broods, and Alt-J’s new song.

Loving: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – the sunshine! Spring is definitely on its way! 

today.

My head is full of words today, and I haven’t shared in ages, and these photos are not glamorous or well-edited, and my blog still has a terrible layout, and I’m not sure where this post is going to end up or just what I’m going to say, but I know it needs to be said. So I’ll start with today.

Today I’m grateful. I’m overflowing with the good stuff. I’m grateful for the tawny frogmouths I see on my walk from the car to my office, every single morning. I love staring up at the beautiful, big gum trees lining my path and searching for them; without a care for my odd appearance. I’m grateful for big boxes of organic fruits and vegetables; the look of them, the smell, the excitement I feel upon getting home – exhausted, lately – to a big box of goodies, and the meals we make with our produce (Moroccan pumpkin rice with hummus and chilli-sauteed greens, anyone?)… especially I love the little snail that had found his way onto our box last night (I have a soft spot for snails – I popped him back in the garden outside before recycling the cardboard). I’m grateful for friends who make me feel excited and understood – with whom hanging out is NOT a cause for anxiety. I’m grateful for mid-week dinners with such friends; Thai food and good wine and laughing until my face aches and my stomach burns (it must be said – I haven’t laughed that hard in such a long time, and it felt damn good). I’m grateful for the music shared between friends.

fresh, local, organic, delivered.

I’m grateful for friends who make the trip from our hometown to visit us for a weekend. I’m grateful for farmers markets. I’m so grateful that these friends are satisfied with a night of movie watching in front of the TV (not a night out on the town), and that they don’t judge me when I fall asleep on the floor. You make me feel known and understood and accepted. I’m grateful that my Rufus has found a job which makes him happy to get up in the mornings. Where he fits in. Where he sees potential and growth and positivity. That he gets home at night and can’t stop talking. (Maybe just a little bit, I’m also grateful for the freebies he gets; especially tickets to film festivals).

I’m grateful for the leftovers in the fridge, waiting for me to eat them for lunch – chickpea patties, brussels sprouts and carrots cooked in butter, and crackers with avocado spread on top. I’m grateful for a brain that moves quickly. Today, I’m grateful for the sunshine.

a perfect day.

I was perusing The Happiness Project website the other day, and found a list of interesting questions (which, for the life of me, I cannot find again). I filled them all out – I won’t share, as some of them got a little personal – but this one has stuck with me; playing on my mind since I realised what was true. 

What would your perfect day look like?

Wake up before the sun; drive (or walk) to the beach for a surf and to watch the sunrise; after surfing, stretch out on the sand – maybe do some yoga – and play with the dogs; meet Rufus for brunch and lots of delicious coffee; head out to an art gallery or museum or zoo and play; in the afternoon, meet friends or family for some red wine and cheese; head back home (to the country, with wide open spaces) in the evening with friends for some more drinks, a hearty meal (made with ingredients from our vegetable garden), and a bon fire; late at night, when all our friends are gone, I curl up on a huge, comfortable couch under a blanket with Rufus – we watch a movie (during which I fall asleep), eat popcorn and dark chocolate, and drink tea.

I was both surprised, and not, by my response. It was a little surprising to me, at first, that my perfect day would include so much alone time first thing in the morning. Although I suppose, as an introvert, I do tend to find those quiet moments most energizing. I think that morning time spent alone, in nature, grounds me; keeps me calm and clear and brings me back to myself. Doing some exercise in the morning is always good for my headspace, as is a view of the ocean and a sunrise. Brunch is no surprise; I love the meal! And wanting Rufus to be the first one I see after getting my bearings is not at all surprising. Getting cultural has always been one of my favourite ways to spend a day with Rufus, and everyone needs social time – the red wine and cheese is self-explanatory. A home in the country has only recently entered my headspace as an absolute necessity to my future happiness. I want space. I want character. I want vegetables and animals and trees and the vastness. I love everything about a bonfire – the smell, mostly – and can’t think of a more cosy setting than curled up in blankets and beanies and scarves, hands wrapped around a bowl of chickpea stew (or some other hearty, one-pot wonder) – red wine at our feet; laughing with friends around the glow of a fire. Curling up on the couch with Rufus makes me so happy – it had to feature in my perfect day. I’m sure he would be so frustrated with me for falling asleep, but there’s something about dozing off to the sounds of cinema that makes me so damn happy! 

It frustrates me that most of this stuff doesn’t exist in my everyday life. I struggle to get out of bed – leaving Rufus curled up all cozy and cuddly – and do my own thing. Surfing?! I’ve not been for a surf in years. I don’t live in a magical home that’s in equal parts close to the beach and in the country… However, I just know it to be true. I know that would be my perfect day. Perhaps some feeding of dogs and goats and piglets and bunnies thrown in for good measure. What’s most surprising, however, is how little food featured in my perfect day! Perhaps my emotional contentment is no longer linked to food?! (Baby steps…)

The question also got me thinking about context for this perfect day. What would the weather be? (Autumn, – cold at night, sunny and cool during the day – but still early enough in autumn that the sunrise isn’t too late in the morning) Who would the friends/family members be? When do I shower during this day? Would I have all of this planned out beforehand, or would it evolve naturally? (Still not sure about that one… I’m not sure which would bring the most peace; knowing what was happening and on what timeline, and potentially feeling rushed and not “in the moment”, or playing things by ear and having to make decisions on the fly. I suppose it depends on the people I’m with) I think these subsequent questions reveal so much about me. 

What would your perfect day look like? Please comment with your response, or flick me through an email (kelsey.hibberd@live.com.au) – I’d love to know!

just a minute in june.

Watching: Meh. Game of Thrones, Vikings, Coupling… we recently finished Arrow, Suits, AdventureTime… I’m not feeling very “into” TV at the moment. Plus, we don’t have the internet at home so we’ve fallen behind with our downloads!

Reading:  Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I absolutely adore it thus far! It’s made me cry, giggle, and feel incredibly inspired. (Also recently finished Battle Royale, which I couldn’t put down.)

Drinking: As we just came back from a few days in Fiji, I’d been drinking cocktails and beers by the boat-load! Back at home (ie back in the depths of winter), a lot of water and green tea. And either red wine or black beer in the evenings.

Listening: A whole bunch of low-energy playlists on Spotify! I’ve learned that the low-tempo stuff really does wonders for my headspace, as opposed to the upbeat, fast-paced music which can get me all anxious (see last post). 

Loving: My new $10 chair found on gumtree (above), the lingering happiness from a family wedding in Fiji over the weekend (photos to come), Jango cuddles, feeling inspired to read again, and just generally loving life. I’m still so excited to go out and see things and eat in places and continue exploring this city.

candor.

Do you ever have moments of complete clarity? Where you feel absolutely present? These moments have become few and far between for me lately; though I had one last night – I sat, cross-legged, on our kitchen counter top, reading old Kinfolk magazines with a glass of wine in hand, The Lumineers on repeat, and sweet potatoes roasting in the oven. Rufus sat in the lounge room, playing a video game. I took a sip of my wine, buried my face in the magazine once more, and was suddenly struck – I looked up and just sat. I looked around myself, really, truly taking it in: the gallery lighting above me; the green vines outside our kitchen window shuddering as the winter night blew on; the depth of colour and texture in the hardwood floors I’ve always wanted; the saccharine smell of potatoes turning golden brown in the oven; Wesley Schultz’ sweet voice crooning to me; the comforting, raw feel of the pages in my hands… and I thought, “this is enough”.

I spend most of my life worrying. Planning. Hoping. Looking forward. This all-consuming personality trait (among other things) has lead me to a somewhat crippling anxiety disorder, for which I take medication. These beautiful moments of simply being are elusive with the fog of medication that has settled on my brain. I know I am here, I can feel beautiful emotions (and horrible ones, too), I just can’t hold on to them – I can’t feel their full weight; can’t grasp them with my fingertips that desperately search for more. 

Remembering to float in the quiet times is important. Reading instead of watching TV in the evenings is a great place to start, I’ve discovered. It helps me come back to myself – to feel grounded, calm, and sometimes even present.

Do you have any advice? From one friend to another?