friendships and self-worth.

The neurons aren’t firing well today after a big boozy weekend, so forgive me my ramblings. It was the kind of weekend that would usually have me wrapped up for days in a blanket of anxiety, guilt and embarrassment. I remember only scraps of time for a few certain hours between dinner and bedtime – “but what did I SAY?!” (ladylike, I know) – but hell if I’m not feeling inexplicably light, free, and secure. 

It hit me while I was sitting on my couch late at night with eight of the best people I know, watching something stupid on TV – trackpants on, makeup off. We’d spent the previous 5 and a half hours at a boutique spirits festival, and an hour or so at dinner with about a million plates of dumplings and too many bottles of red wine. It hit me that these people are my close friends. God that sounds ridiculous; I’ve been friends with some of these humans for close to ten years now… and it’s only just hit me that they are in my life to stay (this says everything about me, and nothing about them – I assure you). They have seen me at my worst, and still come visit me in my new hometown. They put up with my ridiculous drunken ramblings – screechings – every time we have one too many glasses of wine (or whiskeys, as the case was this weekend), and yet still want to do it all again the next time we’re together.

Adult friendships are so strange. There’s none of the security that seeing school friends every day offers. Less and less of the obligatory “stuff in common” conversations and more of the good, deep, to-the-bones chatter. Interspersed with plenty of shit talking and movie quotes. 

It says so much about my self-worth and self-confidence that I’ve not let myself feel like these people could actually want to spend time with me. And it’s honestly slightly shocking for me to realise this. It hurts my heart to realise this. 

But I have. And that speaks volumes about where I am right now. 

Look, anyway. It made me pretty damn happy, and wanted to share. Thanks, friends. You’re awesome. 


Unrelated gratitude:

1. Turkish tea dates.
2. Porter Robinson on a school night.
3. Selfies.
4. Coffee and pie before a film festival.
5. My favourite barista and her coffee buns. 

Q&A

Jane from Deluminators did a Q&A on her blog recently, and – despite not actually being tagged (is that sad?) – I’m going to answer the questions too! Below is a picture from my not-so-recent trip to South America. I realised I’ve never actually shared the photos from that 4-day hike to Machu Picchu, mostly because they’re hideous, but this was one of the happiest moments of my life. The hike was over! (Please don’t judge me for my appearance. You try hiking for 4 days in the middle of Peru without a shower and whilst suffering a gastrointestinal illness. Not pretty.)

1. What’s the last thing you took a photo of?
It’s an incredibly hideous picture of Rufus and myself from Sunday afternoon’s pub session. I wanted to take a photo of a cute duck swimming in a river next to my work this morning, but I was far too lazy to grab my phone.

2. What’s your favourite meal to make at home?
I like homemade pizza, or the Sprouted Kitchen pancakes. But sweet potato with kale sauteed in coconut oil and either baked beans or fried eggs is an easy, healthy, delicious meal to make.

3. Do you play any instruments?
I used to play the piano. I hated practice though, so I quit. I can still play a few little songs… (that’s a “no”).

4. Inside or outside?
Outside. Especially at this time of year – I can’t stand being indoors when it’s sunny.

5. Favourite season and why.
I like the transition seasons; autumn is probably my favourite. I love the feeling of change in the air, and I love the stark difference from the insufferable heat of summer to the cooler mornings and evenings of autumn (and, in contrast, the warmer temperatures and longer days of Spring after the darkness and misery of winter). 

6. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Was that enough?
About 8.5… wow. Poster child for sleep health, right here. Yeah, that was plenty.

7. Current favourite TV show.
What an impossible question. The OC will always be my number one. Gilmore Girls is a close runner up, as is Friends.

8. What’s one thing on your bucketlist?
I want to travel everywhere. I also want to own a hobby farm with goats and chickens and dogs and sheep. Are they too broad? I want to snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef before it’s gone.

9. Best way to cheer yourself up.
Grab coffee and sit on the beach. Or, if I’m at work, bring up some Dylan Moran stand up on Youtube and listen to that while I work.

10. Put your music player on shuffle… what’s the first song that plays?
Eek! I don’t have my iPod with me. The last artist I played on Spotify was Quiet Life though.

11. What was the last thing you spent money on?
Korres exfoliator from ASOS, and my weekly food box from Ceres. Typical.


I tag Lauren from Southern Strut! 

quiet.

What I wouldn’t give for a few hours of “nothing”. Nothing but staring at the sea – pottering around my home – hours in the kitchen. Not multi-tasking. Not worrying. Not planning for the next damn thing.

I love my life. I love my partner, my friends, my family. I’m happy in my job and engaged with my degree. I’m feeling enriched with the volunteer program I’m involved in. I have travel plans, and I’m happy with my finances. I’m just so damned tired. I want a day to sit on my butt all day. Bake a pie, maybe. Read a book. Drink some wine and cook a huge feast. Without the guilt or the rush or the racing thoughts.

Look, if that’s the worst thing that I’ve got to say about today, I’m pretty damn lucky.

That’s all. Thought I’d pop in.
Hope you’re well.

a perfect day.

I was perusing The Happiness Project website the other day, and found a list of interesting questions (which, for the life of me, I cannot find again). I filled them all out – I won’t share, as some of them got a little personal – but this one has stuck with me; playing on my mind since I realised what was true. 

What would your perfect day look like?

Wake up before the sun; drive (or walk) to the beach for a surf and to watch the sunrise; after surfing, stretch out on the sand – maybe do some yoga – and play with the dogs; meet Rufus for brunch and lots of delicious coffee; head out to an art gallery or museum or zoo and play; in the afternoon, meet friends or family for some red wine and cheese; head back home (to the country, with wide open spaces) in the evening with friends for some more drinks, a hearty meal (made with ingredients from our vegetable garden), and a bon fire; late at night, when all our friends are gone, I curl up on a huge, comfortable couch under a blanket with Rufus – we watch a movie (during which I fall asleep), eat popcorn and dark chocolate, and drink tea.

I was both surprised, and not, by my response. It was a little surprising to me, at first, that my perfect day would include so much alone time first thing in the morning. Although I suppose, as an introvert, I do tend to find those quiet moments most energizing. I think that morning time spent alone, in nature, grounds me; keeps me calm and clear and brings me back to myself. Doing some exercise in the morning is always good for my headspace, as is a view of the ocean and a sunrise. Brunch is no surprise; I love the meal! And wanting Rufus to be the first one I see after getting my bearings is not at all surprising. Getting cultural has always been one of my favourite ways to spend a day with Rufus, and everyone needs social time – the red wine and cheese is self-explanatory. A home in the country has only recently entered my headspace as an absolute necessity to my future happiness. I want space. I want character. I want vegetables and animals and trees and the vastness. I love everything about a bonfire – the smell, mostly – and can’t think of a more cosy setting than curled up in blankets and beanies and scarves, hands wrapped around a bowl of chickpea stew (or some other hearty, one-pot wonder) – red wine at our feet; laughing with friends around the glow of a fire. Curling up on the couch with Rufus makes me so happy – it had to feature in my perfect day. I’m sure he would be so frustrated with me for falling asleep, but there’s something about dozing off to the sounds of cinema that makes me so damn happy! 

It frustrates me that most of this stuff doesn’t exist in my everyday life. I struggle to get out of bed – leaving Rufus curled up all cozy and cuddly – and do my own thing. Surfing?! I’ve not been for a surf in years. I don’t live in a magical home that’s in equal parts close to the beach and in the country… However, I just know it to be true. I know that would be my perfect day. Perhaps some feeding of dogs and goats and piglets and bunnies thrown in for good measure. What’s most surprising, however, is how little food featured in my perfect day! Perhaps my emotional contentment is no longer linked to food?! (Baby steps…)

The question also got me thinking about context for this perfect day. What would the weather be? (Autumn, – cold at night, sunny and cool during the day – but still early enough in autumn that the sunrise isn’t too late in the morning) Who would the friends/family members be? When do I shower during this day? Would I have all of this planned out beforehand, or would it evolve naturally? (Still not sure about that one… I’m not sure which would bring the most peace; knowing what was happening and on what timeline, and potentially feeling rushed and not “in the moment”, or playing things by ear and having to make decisions on the fly. I suppose it depends on the people I’m with) I think these subsequent questions reveal so much about me. 

What would your perfect day look like? Please comment with your response, or flick me through an email (kelsey.hibberd@live.com.au) – I’d love to know!

candor.

Do you ever have moments of complete clarity? Where you feel absolutely present? These moments have become few and far between for me lately; though I had one last night – I sat, cross-legged, on our kitchen counter top, reading old Kinfolk magazines with a glass of wine in hand, The Lumineers on repeat, and sweet potatoes roasting in the oven. Rufus sat in the lounge room, playing a video game. I took a sip of my wine, buried my face in the magazine once more, and was suddenly struck – I looked up and just sat. I looked around myself, really, truly taking it in: the gallery lighting above me; the green vines outside our kitchen window shuddering as the winter night blew on; the depth of colour and texture in the hardwood floors I’ve always wanted; the saccharine smell of potatoes turning golden brown in the oven; Wesley Schultz’ sweet voice crooning to me; the comforting, raw feel of the pages in my hands… and I thought, “this is enough”.

I spend most of my life worrying. Planning. Hoping. Looking forward. This all-consuming personality trait (among other things) has lead me to a somewhat crippling anxiety disorder, for which I take medication. These beautiful moments of simply being are elusive with the fog of medication that has settled on my brain. I know I am here, I can feel beautiful emotions (and horrible ones, too), I just can’t hold on to them – I can’t feel their full weight; can’t grasp them with my fingertips that desperately search for more. 

Remembering to float in the quiet times is important. Reading instead of watching TV in the evenings is a great place to start, I’ve discovered. It helps me come back to myself – to feel grounded, calm, and sometimes even present.

Do you have any advice? From one friend to another?

alone.

Rufus works late often these days. Most of the time I hate it – I cherish our couch-time together! – but sometimes, just secretly, I like it. I’ve always been a fan of alone time (I’m an introvert – I feel energized in quiet, lonely situations), and it gives me the perfect excuse to turn on my music, light some candles, sip red wine, and slowly cook dinner. The perfect autumnal evening.

Introverts forever!

(Soup based on this recipe, though I substituted the pumpkin with sweet potato)

why you should read ‘sweet nothings’.

I am awkwardly charming and completely open and honest. I know this because I have finally (finally!) created an about me page! You can find the link in my sidebar under my little round photo. I’m a little bit excited about it, and a little bit embarrassed by such excitement, but that’s okay. Please let me know what you think!

I was contemplating using this photo on the page, but Rufus discouraged me due to the delightful individual in the background. Regardless, proof: I do have teeth.